Saturday, 17 January 2015

A Journey Through Time

Well, hello.

I'm not quite sure how to begin this post since it's been so very long since I last dropped by. As you can imagine, a lot of things have happened. I've tried many times to reconnect with my pre-work, pre-preschooler, cancerland life by blogging again to keep you all updated, but as any busy working mother will tell you, there are some things that you just have to put on hold until you're able to steal enough precious time and energy from another activity to do them. Since it's been so very long (a year and almost a month ! I know, the shame, the shame...) since I last put fingers to keyboard, I feel that it's only right to give you a brief synopsis of my 2014 life in a nutshell.

Before I start, I must emphasise that I don't expect anyone to be hanging out in the blogosphere, eagerly awaiting my words of wisdom and enlightenment. I originally started this blog purely for selfish reasons, to a) find a good looking afro wig, and b) to offload a lot of shitty feelings that I was holding in as a result of having been given the worst possible diagnosis of my entire life. The fact that I received so many lovely comments and feedback as a result, has only ever been a bonus and I feel eternally grateful to those of you who were kind enough to constantly remind me through the hell of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, surgery and trauma of receiving a metastatic breast cancer diagnosis, that I wasn't alone.

But 2014 was a good year. Firstly, I remained cancer-free; that means no Big C in two thousand and fourteen ! I recall at least three scanxiety moments that were generously spaced out enough throughout the year for me to forget the nail-biting experience within a month of receiving a positive negative result. I would often think about posting just before my results was due, but would worry too much about jinxing the outcome. Then I'd think about posting after the dreaded experience but would then be too relieved and in need of a large glass of house red to sit dutifully in front of a computer describing my feelings. But I've always maintained that anyone who blogs about the process of living with cancer, should blog about the good days, as well the bad - since it's the bad days that usually make us feel lousy and low enough to want our share our feelings; when the going is good, we often want to run the other way.

Secondly, another reason for my late return is that I've been working. Damn hard. I have covered a maternity leave role, moved up to four days a week and attempted juggling an extremely busy, demanding job with trying to encourage my four year old son to speak (he has some communication issues). The demands of the job almost killed me (now that would be ironic) and at times I wondered if I was submitting myself to some form of punishment. Perhaps I felt guilty for still being alive when other weren't. I don't know many other mets ladies whose new 'normal' (in terms of work/life balance) is more hardcore than their old life. From the many accounts that I've read online, most women give up work, happy to devote spending the rest of their lives hanging out with friends and family. But not me. Work for me equals normality. And while I'm busy being normal, I'm not busy thinking of cancer. So all things cancer-related tend to take a backseat, including dear reader, this blog.

But, if truth be known, I've missed this blog. I miss it every time I hear that someone that I've met as a consequence of having this disease, has passed away. The feelings of shock and helplessness and complete and utter sadness never gets any easier and I often find myself wanting to run to a place where other people understand these feelings, which are kept hidden away for self-preservation, and away from normal life.

I won't go into too much detail about my current treatment, which is fine and I'm coping well despite being on hormonal drugs that give me hot flushes and fatigue, but it's do-able and manageable so I'm not complaining. So let's just say that that's it for now. After a year away, I realise that there's a lot of catching up to do. But since one of my many resolutions for 2014 is to focus on the journey rather than the destination, I want to be the first to acknowledge that these things take time.

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