Monday, 21 March 2011
Dealing With The Green-Eyed Monster
Okay, I admit it. I'm a facebook addict. I'm nowhere as bad as some friends that I know of who religiously check in before having their first cup of coffee in the morning, but I do like to know who is saying, doing and thinking stuff - every day. And I like to cheer on my friends when they share good news about themselves and their lives, really I do. So why is it that I sometimes feel so jealous when I hear about their fabulous trips abroad, their gorgeous new homes and their great new jobs ? Perhaps it's because being on chemo and looking after a young baby has changed my life so much that I can hardly remember having a similar lifestyle to theirs. And sometimes I miss it. I remember the days when it was me getting on a plane in an ever so spontaneous way, without a second thought about nappies, or baby food or self-adminstered injections or anti-nausea tablets. I remember the days when I could go out to a bar and not give a second thought to the fact that I'd just downed half a bottle of wine. I remember the days when the only thing that mattered was doing a good job - regardless of how late I would roll into my flat afterwards with only a takeaway and a dvd for company and feel happy that I was doing what I wanted and when I wanted to without anyone telling me otherwise.
Obviously I wouldn't wish my illness on anyone - least of all my friends. But although I love a girlie get-together and gossip, I have to admit that having this disease not once but twice has aged me. Tremendously. If it was just in a physical way I would understand and probably be able to cope with this better. But it's hard sometimes to be flippant and spontaneous about life with the sword of Damocles hanging over my head. So how to deal with it ? Well (and getting back to 'The Benefits of Breast cancer' post) every day I try to do something that I couldn't do if I was at work, or commuting on a packed train, or busy spending cash on stuff that I don't need. I read the books I never got round to reading, I watch films that I wouldn't normally watch. I spend all day at the park when the sun shines (which is getting more and more these days, yippee!). I think of new recipes to feed to my baby. And I write. And I write and I write. And this convinces my sub-conscious that I'm using this time productively, not idly wasting it lying on the sofa. And it kind of works for while, until I get onto Facebook again and read about another friend's fantastic long haul holiday. But I guess I can always dream of being there too.