Sunday, 6 March 2011
I realise that so far I haven't mentioned my darling 13th month old baby very much in this blog. This strikes me as strange considering that he takes up so much of my life. After all, at what time would I really wake up were it not for his 6.45am alarm calls ? How would I manage to arrange my daily routine without his routine of two sleeps throughout the day and mealtimes a few hours later to work around ? When I think of shopping now, I think of baby Gap ahead of TopShop. My handbag contains an emergency baby spoon which lies alongside my mirror and eyeliner. When I enter a supermarket, the baby food section is the first aisle that I'll head for. There isn't an area of life that he doesn't permeate but when it comes to talking or writing about cancer, I'd rather not mention him. Perhaps this is understandable. I'm sure some esteemed psychotherapist out there would explain my reaction as denial and put it down to the fact that I can't bear to think of myself not being around to look after him. Perhaps this is why I pretend that he doesn't really matter that much in cyberspace. Instead I concentrate on frivolous subjects like wigs and beauty. Perhaps this is the way that I deal with having cancer too - by not fixating too much on it and focussing on something more superficial instead. In truth, being on chemo and having to look after a one year old is bloody hard work. And often overwhelming. But he also gives me a reason to carry on. To not give up hope when sometimes the fear and anxiety tries to suffocate me. Since I haven't found a way of merging a mummy blog with a cancer one yet, I'll think I'll concentrate on trying to find a decent wig, write about whatever other issues this throws up along the way, and somehow find a way of reaffirming just how important every day is that I'm alive, well and able to spend precious time with my son.